


Kamikaze

by sungodvibe



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Past Domestic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 22:32:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7193579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sungodvibe/pseuds/sungodvibe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a moment, an exact moment, when they're fucking where Felix has a sudden realisation of what Locus actually is to him.</p><p>(The alcohol/drug use is mentioned and the domestic violence isn't with Locus and Felix.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kamikaze

**Author's Note:**

> If there are any grammatical errors please let me know so I can fix it because I haven't like. let anyone else read this. Also idk if this is a bad fanfic or if I suck at writing but like...I'm Tryin. (also I hc Felix as trans if that influences the way u read this but I sorta left it ambiguous)

There's a moment, an exact moment, when they're fucking where Felix has a sudden realisation of what Locus actually is to him. He's almost acutely aware of the fact that half way through the night Locus had become less sloppy and more careful, focusing on Felix's body and watching his face. He might categorise it instead of fucking, as having sex. Only because he's too scared to think the term 'making love'.

He tells himself it's not love, he's incapable of it. He'd spent too many nights getting stoned or drunk with men whose names he didn't even know and that's not what he knows of love. 

He remembers his mother telling him that love is when you see a person and they're just so beautiful that all their flaws don't matter and you want to be with them no matter what. Sometimes he thinks his mother must have been on something, the only man she ever claimed to love went out and got drunk. Would come home with itchy knuckles, waiting for him or his mother to say something he didn't like.

And maybe that's part of it, is his father. Growing up in an environment where expressing any form of love caused bruises and cuts. Hell, it would explain the endless string of sexual partners and the dark alleys that he fights in. 

Felix is proud of his scars and he flaunts them, obsesses in telling their stories to anyone who will listen and marvels in others dropping their jaws and widening their eyes at him. It gives him pleasure knowing others are terrified of him. 

Locus though, Locus avoids the topic of his scars. Shies away from Felix's wandering hands when they linger too long for his taste over scars he doesn't think about. Felix, in a way, admires him for being silent of them. They're true scars, not just flaunted brashness gone wrong. 

Felix is acutely aware of Locus in that single moment. Of the scars he doesn't talk about wrapping over his face. His cheeks and lips flushed with red. The way he looks him in the eyes makes Felix think Locus is thinking the same thing, that at some point he had started worrying about Felix feeling safe and adored. Maybe Locus is just as scared of the feeling as Felix is. 

If he is he doesn't show it. 

He takes it seemingly well, shifting his gaze to Felix's lips and kissing him softly. Too soft, and it scares him. 

If Felix has learned anything from past experiences when a guy gets this way he starts getting clingy. Wanting more from Felix than just someone to get high with and fuck. 

And, in a way that alarms not only Felix, he's pushing back just as soft. Wrapping his arm around Locus's neck and putting a hand on his cheek. Locus brushes Felix's dark curly hair away from his forehead and looks at him with a look of pure adoration. 

Felix tries not to worry but Locus is slowing down and focusing on him, focusing on how he's moving and the noises he's making and Felix can tell he's analysing him and he doesn't like it. 

He opens his mouth like he's going to say something and Felix beats him to it. "Go faster."

His accent slips out in his inebriated state but he doesn't care because Locus doesn't look like he's going to say anything anymore. Felix ignores the past three minutes and Locus lays his head between Felix's head and his shoulder. 

Felix wonders if he ignores these feelings for as long as he needs to Locus will eventually get tired of him and leave him behind. 

He's not sure if he can. Or even if he wants to.


End file.
